I found myself on empty. As devastating as the setback was for me, I can not even imagine fully how devastating it was on Heather. A few days before we received the news of ” four, possibly five new tumors in the brain”, I had made plans with one of Heathers’ friends to go for a hike to a waterfall. We planned a day of hiking, communing with nature and photography. I had also planned to take my flute and to play my flute so I could release my sorrow and pain, and make room for hope and knowing that no matter how it may appear, my daughter finds healing from this disease. When we got the news we were shocked and devastated. In our own ways I feel we all felt betrayed. Here we were doing all this work, especially Heather, and here was proof that the cancer moved ahead of us! I wasn’t going to go on the planned outing to the waterfalls but Heather told me there is no reason not to go. She needed time to herself to process the news and I needed time to connect with nature and my Spirit. So I went…

I am very grateful my daughter insisted I still go on the planned hike. The day was spent being in the company of beautiful women, sharing the joy of natures’ gifts. The sound of the waterfalls played a song that reached into my deepest sorrows and comforted me. The gift of nature here in Vermont is very different than the seashore of New Jersey but is is every bit as beautiful, awesome and soothing to me. I sometimes forget how much comfort I find walking in the woods, observing the many plant and tree forms. I did not forget how much I love waterfalls, but I do know I could have made a choice to go sooner, and didn’t. If I had I would have been letting go of  the ego part of me that said I couldn’t go and enjoy it when my child could not go and enjoy the same things. The ego is so very gifted at ‘making’ us see things as it desires us to see them. What I began to remember as I filled my soul with as much beauty, peace, calm and inspiration I could breathe into myself,  was the remembrance that in order to be effective in any part of life it is necessary to maintain a balance. When ever I feel overwhelmed with any moment of life I do not seem to get out of the quick sand of the troubled moments until I remember balance is required in order to move through it and move forward out of the pain. Body, mind, soul and Spirit are all to be attended to in order to maintain balance. In order to move forward, in order to see hope again, in order to know and reflect on the wonders of the healing Heather has had to this point, it was necessary to reconnect with my soul and Spirit.

As I played my flute, as I sent my song to the Creator I reflected on the many wonderful ways my daughter is doing at this point in her healing. Her previous scans showed healing. She is not in a wheelchair because of the cancer in the spine. Her walk is once again as it was before cancer entered into her spine. She is no longer walking slowly and deliberately but instead walking at almost her ‘super speed’ normal walk.  Her spine shows signs of healing too. The parent brain tumor, Mona is completely gone and no longer effecting or influencing her as it once did. She is still part of our world and I get to spend time with her, hug her and love her! I began to remember for every fear there was one or more blessings to see and to celebrate. As I played my flute I felt the weight of fear fall from me. I felt the peace and the comfort of nature fill every part of me. I felt the song of the gentle breezes caress me and remind me in the whispers heard within my soul…” all is well”. I remembered the strength of the love we have for one another and the absolute gratitude I have for the life of my child. I was with three women who held space in their hearts for me and the process I was going through. We stood together on a rock near the waterfall and prayed together for the healing of Heather and for their sister, friend and aunt of their family who also is walking the journey of healing cancer. Together we wove a moment in time filled with sacredness, joy, love and hope. And for that I am eternally grateful… Instead of feeling empty, I feel full.

One way I justify procrastination is the lack of photos I have taken since moving here to Vermont. My ego tells me I absolutely can not post a blog without having a photo or two to make it interesting! So far I have to admit I have all too willingly listened to that voice of my ego. And yet, at the same time I ask myself if a photo is necessary to post with a blog. No it isn’t. What matters is I dedicate some time to this part of my life still ~  even if no one comments on what I write, even if no one seems to pay attention to it but me. The dream of being an author of books has been held by me since I was a small child. I seem to be very gifted in making sure that does not happen! In order to be an author of books a person must write a book. I have been blessed with complete books given to me in dream state. Novels and mysteries detailed from beginning to end in my dream state. All I have to do is sit down and write it down. But do I? No. And I can whip out a thousand or more reasons why I don’t do it. None of them are truly valid reasons and yet they assist me to procrastinate, not write the novels and therefore do not take the chance of living successfully in life. I also have many books given to be by Ma-Ryah. Before the birth of the Emissaries she had given enough information on these children to fill a few books. I didn’t write them. These children are now eight and nine years old. There is some information about them out in our world though they refer to them as the rainbow children or the crystalline children. None of them contain all the information on them that Ma-Ryah has given about these children who are part of our world. How could they? These children come from the same realm as Ma-Ryah and just as we individually can speak forever on our own children, so can she speak about these amazing Souls who have come into our world to help us evolve. I know what you might be thinking because I have heard it many times from so many people, including myself. “Why don’t I write the books? I don’t even have to write them. Ma-Ryah would write them. All I have to do is step aside and she would write them out all nice and neat on my computer. How hard can that be?” I agree. I won’t argue the point. How hard can it be? It isn’t hard at all. And yet I resist sitting down and stepping aside so she can write and communicate about these amazing and often challenging children. Why? That old shadow script of being fearful of success. The old shadow script of not wanting to be seen as ‘too out there’.  Words spoken to another of how ‘wierd’ or ‘strange’ they are truly takes time to transform. I have done so much work on these scripts and every time I feel enough has been transformed so I may move beyond it ~ more surfaces. My ego, my shadow self loves it when that happens! When I do succeed in moving beyond these scripts I will be publishing them on ebooks and with the option of being able to be purchased as a hardcover book or paperback book too. Admitting to these scripts publicly once yet again I have high hopes another layer is removed and procrastinating about writing the books will soon be able to fade away as though it never existed. And as I write that last sentence my ego speaks up within my mind to remind me that will never happen…sigh…

My faith in my ability as a healer has been challenged unbelievably within my own self during this journey I am on with my daughter. I have come close to entering another layer of the dark night of the soul, when all appears useless and completely a waste of time so I ‘should’ just give up and call it a day. Fortunately this is a part of life I have visited many, many times before and have the experience of coming through it stronger in my faith than I was before entering into this part of life. Almost every day time is set aside for healing work with my daughter and with Ma-Ryah. My daughter can be so ill she doesn’t have the strength to get out of bed or stay awake ~ and yet if Ma-Ryah says there is a moment in time to revisit and to release the held scripts and emotions, my daughter goes there. Not all the healing sessions are peaceful and joyful. Most are not. Most of the healing sessions are digging into held moments of incredible pain and emotional heartbreak. As a Mother, it is not easy to watch the places Ma-Ryah takes my daughter. And yet while my heart cries for her, I am in awe of her. I also know Ma-Ryah is with her with pure and absolute love and my daughter can not be in better ‘hands’ than in the hands of Ma-Ryah. My ego in its’ journey towards self doubt and judgement will point out the areas where absolute success has not been realized yet with my daughter. It will admit as I wrote about previously, that the cancer is improving. The tumors smaller. The brain tumor barely there any more. My ego will point out the work I do has nothing to do with that. And as before I acknowledge that is possibly true. It may be the result of chemo. It may be the result of radiation. It may be the result of prayers and distant healing from others. It may be a combination of all of the above…What matters is my daughter shows improvement. Except….and here my ego is very vocal! Except in the area of her nausea. It is extreme. It is intense. It debilitates her like nothing else has. The only time it isn’t so severe is when Ma-Ryah is channeling through me and working on her body and her energy body. Then the nausea lessens ~ until Ma-Ryah stops the communication through me. Once it is only me, most of the time her nausea returns though sometimes it is a bit less. My ego then delights on telling me what a ‘bad and useless healer’ I truly am ~ I can’t even help my own daughter!  It doesn’t matter how many documented healings I can speak about. It matters only that with my daughter I am not so successful. Even though I understand on many levels why my ego does this, it still has the ability to stop me in my tracks…if I let it!

I have spoken with my daughter about my seemingly inability to write or post any new things here on my web site. I told her my muse not only packed up and left, but it looks like it will never return! I do not feel inspired to write about anything. I do not feel inspired to take a walk with my camera and connect to the creative side of me. I do not feel like painting or sculpting. I do not feel like dancing or singing. I do not feel like playing and praying with my flute. I do not feel like doing my prayer ties or smoking my pipe to send up prayers to the Creator. So why would I even attempt to add anything here? No one is paying attention any way and who cares if I post or not? Who cares if I continue my work with Ma-Ryah or not? See how beautifully the ego/shadow self can script things to make sure we do not succeed in creating from our ‘higher self’? When I said these things to my daughter, she told me to write about just that. She told me if I tell her to be honest in her blogs, if I tell her to write about the ugly side of cancer and not always write a message to inspire others ~ then why don’t I do the same thing? She is right. The words we often speak to others is also for our own self to hear. I do not have cancer ~ my child does. And yet, her journey is also my journey. Our reasons for undertaking this journey may be different and yet we are taking it for a reason. We may never know the full story of the reason why, but taking it we certainly are! I have walked with cancer in others, in my self and now with my daughter. When someone you love with every aspect of your life and heart has a critical illness it is easy for everyone to see how difficult it is for the person manifesting the illness. A chronic and life altering illness also is a journey all family members and close friends take together. It definitely becomes easy to see that though one may manifest, it is often for the benefit and the transformation of others.  

Just as my daughter has spoken of times when she doubts and when she ‘needs’ others to hold the vision of her healing this cancer, I am now asking for those who know me and even those who don’t know me to hold the knowing of faith for me. I am asking to be held in prayer, in whatever way you pray and with whatever beliefs you hold to be sacred and true to hold me, my daughter, my son and my grandchildren in prayer so we may all have the strength to continue to walk through this journey. Sometimes it is so difficult to believe my daughter really has the strength to beat this cancer. The western medical knowledge and belief of this cancer is difficult to always move beyond ~ In my heart of hearts, in the whispering voice within…I know this journey results in her surviving and being cancer free. She has already done so much with it.  I know she spring boards from this journey into the role she is here to do and yet….the voice of fear, doubt and disbelief still says…what if?

Those of you who know me know I have already lived through the death of a child. My youngest child, Joseph died at age thirty for those who do not know me. To say the fear of saying goodbye to another of my children is not present with me would make me a liar. No one would believe it even if I said I never thought that way. Heather and I have had conversations about this of course, especially in the beginning of this journey. Do I ever want to go there again? No! No I do not. Any more than my daughter would ever want to be the reason I would be there once again. This fear would overwhelm me and cripple me in ways procrastination couldn’t even do if not for one thing. And what is that one thing? The experiences I have with Ma-Ryah. The teachings I have taken to heart and apply to my life. The gift of the lesson of, So what? Do I want to go to that painful place again? No way. Would I? Yes. My role here in Vermont with my daughter is to bring my gifts as a healer to her. But above and beyond that, my role here in Vermont with my daughter is as her Mother. A Mother who has cherished the Soul of my daughter for all these years. I have seen her as a precious gift entrusted to my care and love by the Creator since her conception. That has never altered. That has never lessened. I am here as her Mother first and secondary to that is my role as a healer. As Mother, I will walk beside my daughter as she moves through this journey. If at the end of this journey we find ourselves celebrating the results we are choosing to know ~ the complete and absolute healing of my daughter…Wow! What a celebration that is to be! And yet at the same time, as her Mother, if my daughter ever finds the journey to be too much and no matter how much she chooses to be here, her body would not agree…then my place as her Mother is to be there with her and hold her with as much love as I could flow from my heart and soul to hers.  We have had some very deep talks while this journey has  begun. The cancer transforms and is less than what it was. The nausea is presently holding her prisioner to her bed. Please add your prayers to ours. Please add your vision to ours. Please help us to make real what is chosen to be our lives…Please see the nausea gone completely. See it removed from her for all time. See her celebrating life. Living life. Rejoicing in a life free of nausea and cancer. Please see her here in this world for many, many years to come ~ doing what she is here to do…doing all she chooses to do. And doing it cancer free and nausea free. And please hold me in your prayers so my faith remains stronger than any doubts or fears that come up for me.

As a teenager I read a lot about Edgar Cayce. One of his prayers stuck with me since I first read it all those years ago. It is a prayer I now say often no matter how much doubt or fear or procrastination holds onto me..”Help thou my disbelief”…There is more to it than that and yet those words are often repeated over and over like a mantra sometimes. And today is one of those times. Help thou my disbelief…

Monday and Tuesday my daughter, Heather, had an MRI and two CT scans done to see if there has been any change in the tumors. We will find out all the information more fully on Friday but at least she did get a call letting her know that though she has to have round five and six of chemo, the tumors are smaller! That is wonderful news for all of us, but especially my daughter. This has to be the most difficult thing she has ever had to do and knowing all the work being done has some positive outcome is incredible! On Friday before she begins round five of chemo we will meet with her doctor, go over the scans and be able to see how much the tumors have shrunk. Now we focus on them continuing to shrink until they are gone from her forever.

One thing this journey has shown me is the amount of impatience I have within me. I always knew it was there but have been surprised to see how much of it is here within me!  It has also shown me how fragile my faith can be. When working with other people in a healing capacity, it is easy not to be attached to the outcome. It is easy to just be the Vessel for the healing energies to come through and allow it to do whatever it is to do. It is not easy to be unattached to the outcome when it is someone I love, especially when it is my child. Over the course of time I have witnessed many, many spontaneous remissions and have wondered why this has not been the case with my daughter. I get frustrated when the healings have not culminated in absolute healing for her. I feel inadequate beyond description when I see her still suffer and have to deal with the negative effects of chemo. More than once since coming here to Vermont I have considered seriously stopping, give up being a Channel, give up doing any of this work. My ego has ranted and raved at the energies of the Universe, has had temper tantrums with the Creator. I have fallen into despair, sorrow and darkness ~ only to claw myself up out of it again and again. My faith in my work, my self and all I believe to be so, has been tested and tested over and over again. My ego has sought to remain in the darkest corners of myself and I have to admit it is sometimes very tempting to just let the ego do as it will. Sometimes it is far easier to wrap the darkness of anger and despair around me then it is to look for the glimmer of light that leads me back to my faith in the absolute love and ‘rightness’ of the Creator. Sometimes it is easier to just allow the ego to blame the Creator and to rant and rave against this Being, then to see no harm ever comes from this Being ~ only love. That above all is the cornerstone to all I hold sacred and true. My ego does not hold that as sacred and true. The insidious whisperings of the ego after some healing work has been done with my daughter begins when she is still in pain, still fighting cancer. It whispers…telling me there is no truth to what I do. There never is any healing that comes through me. I can not help my daughter. Fortunately there is also the subtle part of ego that will whisper and remind me of all that has occurred through the years and I know even as I hear the whisperings of the ego that it does not speak the truth. I would be an absolute liar though if I said sometimes I have not believed the whisperings of the darker aspects of my ego. I have allowed it to shake my faith…And yet in the deepest shakings of my faith how do I pull myself out of it? The kind, supportive words of others. The embrace of Ma-Ryah. The love found in meditation. And sometimes it is enough to pick up the crumb of truth sown in my path….the news that the tumors have shrunk! My ego immediately upon hearing this news sought to make it much less than it was; it sought to qualify it and justify it by saying, ” It can’t be that much if she still has to have more chemo!” But that crumb of truth is enough to quiet the dark voice of ego. Fear thought the news would be the tumors have grown. Fear thought there would be no change. The truth is ~ the tumors have shrunk. Did the chemo and radiation cause this to be? Did the work of Ma-Ryah cause this to be? Did the prayers of hundreds of people for my daughter’s healing cause this to be? Or did the combination of all of it cause it to be?  It does not matter how or why ~ it matters they have shrunk.

And the part of me that is my faith does a happy, happy dance!

A few months ago Ma-Ryah said my time in New Jersey was coming to an end. As usual I did not ask her why she would say that because my son, James and I had decided we would like to move to Florida and were making plans to do just that. My ego wonders if  I knew in the back of my mind that the move to Florida would not be the reason for leaving New Jersey? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. Often when I believe I am finally getting an understanding of life it throws me a curve ball and I am faced with a choice to react or to calmly respond to the circumstances unfolding within my life. Life has recently placed such a moment in front of me and the choice to react or to respond was presented ~ as well as an opportunity to dive into fear or to hold to the calm center of knowing and faith that all is well.

Last month my daughter Heather and some of my grandchildren came to New Jersey for a visit. Our day together was overcast and gloomy but that did not stop us from going to the beach and enjoying our time together. She had chosen to stay at a hotel for this visit so the children could have use of the pool and also make it a little easier for sleeping arrangements since my home is small and if all of us were in my home it would have been crowded. In the summer when she comes for a visit my ex-husband brings down a camper we set up in the driveway and some of the children sleep in that. Last month it was still too cool outside for that to be used so it made more sense for her and the children to be comfortable and relaxed in a hotel. They had stayed there once before and enjoyed staying there swimming in the pool and relaxing in the jacuzzi. James and I spent time with them at the hotel the night before they were to head back home to Vermont. When it was time for us to leave so they could sleep and be ready to make the drive home the next day I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me. I felt something was very wrong but then my ego told me to stop it! I am just sad because my daughter has to go home and I wanted more time with her. All night the sadness got stronger and the next day I called my sister in Florida to talk with her and do my best to understand why I felt the way I felt. The day before I had a vision of my daughters’ car on the side of the road after an accident and since it thankfully did not happen I will not go into detail here of what the vision showed me. I make this brief mention of it here right now because with hindsight and knowledge of how events unfolded the next day when my daughter returned home to Vermont it shows clearly the possibilities of outcomes that may or may not occur in our conscious experiences.

Even though we were a military family and moved around to many places, we all consider New Jersey to be ‘home’.  Heather went to High School in Cape May and definitely sees Cape May as her home. Like her Mother, she finds it necessary to connect with the beach and the ocean several times a year. It is vital to both of us and so even though on this trip to New Jersey the weather did not cooperate and it was gloomy and chilly, a visit to the shores of Cape May was necessary for her. Every time she comes to visit I am always happy to see how just being at the shore relaxes her. I can literally watch the waves of stress flow off of her and see her relax. This trip was no different. Being on the beach and being at ‘her’ jetty relaxes her and soothes her body, mind and spirit. Watching her I find myself once again wishing she was able to live here even though I do know Vermont is where her life has been and will be for quite awhile. Knowing this never stops me from wishing she was able to always live in Cape May and be near the ocean all the time and of course, close to me.

The day they were to leave for Vermont the weather which had been rainy, cold and gloomy the whole time they were in New Jersey was now filled with sunshine and warmth. My daughter had considered stopping along the way home at a beach and giving them all time to enjoy the beach and the sun. It didn’t work out that way though and a choice was made by Heather and the children to just go ahead and head home. In hindsight it was a blessing this was the choice made. A few hours after returning home Heather had a seizure. She had been seeing her doctor off and on over the past year for severe headaches and respiratory problems. If she had decided to stay and enjoy the beach, leaving for Vermont towards evening she would have been driving when the seizure hit. The ‘vision’ I had of her car after an accident would then have been the reality instead of her having the seizure after she was safely home. How differently the outcome would have been from what it is now. After a second seizure she went to the emergency room at the hospital and began the journey now unfolding for all of us, but especially for her.

My daughter as some of you know from seeing it on facebook, has been diagnosed with stage four cancer in three places within her body. She has non-small cell lung cancer, a brain tumor and two tumors on her spine. Heather has a web site where she is blogging about her healing journey with cancer. She is handling this part of her life with grace and ease and so it is no surprise her web site is www.wrestlingwithgraceandease.com   You can follow her journey, be inspired and see how a choice is made to respond rather than to react to lifes’ experiences. If you know someone with cancer perhaps you would like to recommend Heathers’ web site to them. I am in awe of my daughter and how she is handling this part of her life.

I titled this writing as the twist and turns of life because that is exactly what it is for me. I believed I was moving from New Jersey to begin the next chapter of my life. I believed this new chapter would be created and lived in Florida living near my sister, Lou Ann. Instead I left New Jersey after the phone call from my daughter telling me she has a tumor in her lung and in her brain. We didn’t know about the two in the spine in the very beginning of this journey. James and I without hesitation came here to be with her, help her in any way we can and whenever possible be of some help with her five children. We still have to find a place here in Vermont near my daughter, end the lease with our landlord for the home in Cape May and then begin to live this next journey of life with Heather and her children.

A few days ago I had all set in my mind how I was going to write this entry. I wanted a photo that showed a fork in the road and when I didn’t find one that was ‘good enough’ I allowed that to distract me from writing anything at all. I am glad I chose to write without pre-thought of what I would write. The words came and are now here. If you have read them and are still with me at this point, I will close this entry with this request ~ when you think of what is written here, when you think of the journey Heather is on, please hold an image in your mind, a knowing in your heart that my daughter not only comes through this cancer sound in body and mind, but that the chapters being written in our book of life is filled with many wonders to be shared and celebrated. Though Heather manifests the illness all who know her are offered the opportunity to learn, grow and expand who we are and how we choose to live this life. I believe with all my heart and Soul that she not only heals and moves beyond cancer, but that she comes out of this standing in the radiance of who she is here to be ~ and with love, I will be standing by her side celebrating the transformations of our family and the lives of many who grow and expand through her experience.

Throughout the years of my channeling much information has come through about earth changes able to occur in our world from now, building up to 2012 and into 2018. Most people who know me well know I do not like it when information about these things come through in the channeling. Some of the events spoken about have occurred, such as the great tsunami a few years ago that resulted in the death of hundreds of thousands of people. Others have not occurred and thus my resistance to having questions asked of Ma-Ryah about earth changes.

However, when events such as the earthquake and tsunami in Japan is the news I hear when waking up today, I can not help but reflect on the vast amount of information that has come through over the years in my channeling. For years I have followed the earthquake reporting sites on the Internet and follow this closely, especially any news of large quakes in Japan. Though the events recently unfolded in Japan are heartbreaking and terrible, my mind keeps going over the moments possibly able to be our reality that have been spoken of during the years of channeling. One of the serious earthquakes Ma-Ryah has spoken about that mean serious repercussions for most of our world is when a large quake is seen to happen in the area of Mt. Fuji.

Most who know me, know I do believe in parallel universes and in the unlimited possibilities of experiences. Since I do absolutely believe in this, I also believe in the ability to change and alter what I experience in this world. So much has been communicated about earth changes and transformations of our planet during this time and so much of it is wrapped in fear. One of the main reasons I resist allowing information to come through during channeling is the amount of fear that is raised in many people when they hear the information communicated. What often happens when information is given and fear is raised, Ma-Ryah will ask the person who reacts with fear, “What if it doesn’t occur?”  If we live our lives in fear of what may happen we limit our selves very much. If we instead see and respond to what does occur it is then easier to have faith in knowing though earth changes may occur, human life continues and all will be where they are to be… 

I do believe the earth, like us is undergoing transformation. I also believe most of the time that these changes do not have to be horrific and can be more gentle. Sometimes it is difficult to hold this belief when seeing all the weather and earth changes that have been occurring in our world so far ~ and today is one of those times. In moments like this I spend my time in prayer….May the Creator hold us all within the energy of love and gentleness…