As you can see by the few postings I have done lately, I am still waiting for the muse of inspiration to return to me. For weeks I have sat down to reflect on writing something here and the only thing I could come up with was to write about waiting, because that is all I have been doing lately. Waiting for my life to begin here in Vermont, waiting to be connected to the energies here in a positive way, waiting to see if the healing work of Ma-Ryah is making a difference in my daughter or not and waiting to see if all the chemo and radiation she has been through has accomplished anything or not.
Monday and Tuesday my daughter, Heather, had an MRI and two CT scans done to see if there has been any change in the tumors. We will find out all the information more fully on Friday but at least she did get a call letting her know that though she has to have round five and six of chemo, the tumors are smaller! That is wonderful news for all of us, but especially my daughter. This has to be the most difficult thing she has ever had to do and knowing all the work being done has some positive outcome is incredible! On Friday before she begins round five of chemo we will meet with her doctor, go over the scans and be able to see how much the tumors have shrunk. Now we focus on them continuing to shrink until they are gone from her forever.
One thing this journey has shown me is the amount of impatience I have within me. I always knew it was there but have been surprised to see how much of it is here within me! It has also shown me how fragile my faith can be. When working with other people in a healing capacity, it is easy not to be attached to the outcome. It is easy to just be the Vessel for the healing energies to come through and allow it to do whatever it is to do. It is not easy to be unattached to the outcome when it is someone I love, especially when it is my child. Over the course of time I have witnessed many, many spontaneous remissions and have wondered why this has not been the case with my daughter. I get frustrated when the healings have not culminated in absolute healing for her. I feel inadequate beyond description when I see her still suffer and have to deal with the negative effects of chemo. More than once since coming here to Vermont I have considered seriously stopping, give up being a Channel, give up doing any of this work. My ego has ranted and raved at the energies of the Universe, has had temper tantrums with the Creator. I have fallen into despair, sorrow and darkness ~ only to claw myself up out of it again and again. My faith in my work, my self and all I believe to be so, has been tested and tested over and over again. My ego has sought to remain in the darkest corners of myself and I have to admit it is sometimes very tempting to just let the ego do as it will. Sometimes it is far easier to wrap the darkness of anger and despair around me then it is to look for the glimmer of light that leads me back to my faith in the absolute love and ‘rightness’ of the Creator. Sometimes it is easier to just allow the ego to blame the Creator and to rant and rave against this Being, then to see no harm ever comes from this Being ~ only love. That above all is the cornerstone to all I hold sacred and true. My ego does not hold that as sacred and true. The insidious whisperings of the ego after some healing work has been done with my daughter begins when she is still in pain, still fighting cancer. It whispers…telling me there is no truth to what I do. There never is any healing that comes through me. I can not help my daughter. Fortunately there is also the subtle part of ego that will whisper and remind me of all that has occurred through the years and I know even as I hear the whisperings of the ego that it does not speak the truth. I would be an absolute liar though if I said sometimes I have not believed the whisperings of the darker aspects of my ego. I have allowed it to shake my faith…And yet in the deepest shakings of my faith how do I pull myself out of it? The kind, supportive words of others. The embrace of Ma-Ryah. The love found in meditation. And sometimes it is enough to pick up the crumb of truth sown in my path….the news that the tumors have shrunk! My ego immediately upon hearing this news sought to make it much less than it was; it sought to qualify it and justify it by saying, ” It can’t be that much if she still has to have more chemo!” But that crumb of truth is enough to quiet the dark voice of ego. Fear thought the news would be the tumors have grown. Fear thought there would be no change. The truth is ~ the tumors have shrunk. Did the chemo and radiation cause this to be? Did the work of Ma-Ryah cause this to be? Did the prayers of hundreds of people for my daughter’s healing cause this to be? Or did the combination of all of it cause it to be? It does not matter how or why ~ it matters they have shrunk.
And the part of me that is my faith does a happy, happy dance!