It seems to become easier as time passes to not post anything new on here. There is always a reason to put it off and every reason is a valid one and yet it is not something I choose to cultivate any more than I have already. Procrastination is always a struggle for me to get beyond in this life. In some of the archived writings from the original site I have written about the journey of procrastination. Ma-Ryah has said procrastination is a form of self abuse as it prevents us from moving forward into what we have chosen to know and experience in our lives. In some ways I am able to agree with that…to be honest, I am able to agree with that totally ~ at least for my own self. So much of my focus and energy right now is with my daughter and her journey of healing stage four cancer, and with her children ~ especially the younger ones. There is no place I would rather be than here with her where hopefully I am of some help to her.
One way I justify procrastination is the lack of photos I have taken since moving here to Vermont. My ego tells me I absolutely can not post a blog without having a photo or two to make it interesting! So far I have to admit I have all too willingly listened to that voice of my ego. And yet, at the same time I ask myself if a photo is necessary to post with a blog. No it isn’t. What matters is I dedicate some time to this part of my life still ~ even if no one comments on what I write, even if no one seems to pay attention to it but me. The dream of being an author of books has been held by me since I was a small child. I seem to be very gifted in making sure that does not happen! In order to be an author of books a person must write a book. I have been blessed with complete books given to me in dream state. Novels and mysteries detailed from beginning to end in my dream state. All I have to do is sit down and write it down. But do I? No. And I can whip out a thousand or more reasons why I don’t do it. None of them are truly valid reasons and yet they assist me to procrastinate, not write the novels and therefore do not take the chance of living successfully in life. I also have many books given to be by Ma-Ryah. Before the birth of the Emissaries she had given enough information on these children to fill a few books. I didn’t write them. These children are now eight and nine years old. There is some information about them out in our world though they refer to them as the rainbow children or the crystalline children. None of them contain all the information on them that Ma-Ryah has given about these children who are part of our world. How could they? These children come from the same realm as Ma-Ryah and just as we individually can speak forever on our own children, so can she speak about these amazing Souls who have come into our world to help us evolve. I know what you might be thinking because I have heard it many times from so many people, including myself. “Why don’t I write the books? I don’t even have to write them. Ma-Ryah would write them. All I have to do is step aside and she would write them out all nice and neat on my computer. How hard can that be?” I agree. I won’t argue the point. How hard can it be? It isn’t hard at all. And yet I resist sitting down and stepping aside so she can write and communicate about these amazing and often challenging children. Why? That old shadow script of being fearful of success. The old shadow script of not wanting to be seen as ‘too out there’. Words spoken to another of how ‘wierd’ or ‘strange’ they are truly takes time to transform. I have done so much work on these scripts and every time I feel enough has been transformed so I may move beyond it ~ more surfaces. My ego, my shadow self loves it when that happens! When I do succeed in moving beyond these scripts I will be publishing them on ebooks and with the option of being able to be purchased as a hardcover book or paperback book too. Admitting to these scripts publicly once yet again I have high hopes another layer is removed and procrastinating about writing the books will soon be able to fade away as though it never existed. And as I write that last sentence my ego speaks up within my mind to remind me that will never happen…sigh…
My faith in my ability as a healer has been challenged unbelievably within my own self during this journey I am on with my daughter. I have come close to entering another layer of the dark night of the soul, when all appears useless and completely a waste of time so I ‘should’ just give up and call it a day. Fortunately this is a part of life I have visited many, many times before and have the experience of coming through it stronger in my faith than I was before entering into this part of life. Almost every day time is set aside for healing work with my daughter and with Ma-Ryah. My daughter can be so ill she doesn’t have the strength to get out of bed or stay awake ~ and yet if Ma-Ryah says there is a moment in time to revisit and to release the held scripts and emotions, my daughter goes there. Not all the healing sessions are peaceful and joyful. Most are not. Most of the healing sessions are digging into held moments of incredible pain and emotional heartbreak. As a Mother, it is not easy to watch the places Ma-Ryah takes my daughter. And yet while my heart cries for her, I am in awe of her. I also know Ma-Ryah is with her with pure and absolute love and my daughter can not be in better ‘hands’ than in the hands of Ma-Ryah. My ego in its’ journey towards self doubt and judgement will point out the areas where absolute success has not been realized yet with my daughter. It will admit as I wrote about previously, that the cancer is improving. The tumors smaller. The brain tumor barely there any more. My ego will point out the work I do has nothing to do with that. And as before I acknowledge that is possibly true. It may be the result of chemo. It may be the result of radiation. It may be the result of prayers and distant healing from others. It may be a combination of all of the above…What matters is my daughter shows improvement. Except….and here my ego is very vocal! Except in the area of her nausea. It is extreme. It is intense. It debilitates her like nothing else has. The only time it isn’t so severe is when Ma-Ryah is channeling through me and working on her body and her energy body. Then the nausea lessens ~ until Ma-Ryah stops the communication through me. Once it is only me, most of the time her nausea returns though sometimes it is a bit less. My ego then delights on telling me what a ‘bad and useless healer’ I truly am ~ I can’t even help my own daughter! It doesn’t matter how many documented healings I can speak about. It matters only that with my daughter I am not so successful. Even though I understand on many levels why my ego does this, it still has the ability to stop me in my tracks…if I let it!
I have spoken with my daughter about my seemingly inability to write or post any new things here on my web site. I told her my muse not only packed up and left, but it looks like it will never return! I do not feel inspired to write about anything. I do not feel inspired to take a walk with my camera and connect to the creative side of me. I do not feel like painting or sculpting. I do not feel like dancing or singing. I do not feel like playing and praying with my flute. I do not feel like doing my prayer ties or smoking my pipe to send up prayers to the Creator. So why would I even attempt to add anything here? No one is paying attention any way and who cares if I post or not? Who cares if I continue my work with Ma-Ryah or not? See how beautifully the ego/shadow self can script things to make sure we do not succeed in creating from our ‘higher self’? When I said these things to my daughter, she told me to write about just that. She told me if I tell her to be honest in her blogs, if I tell her to write about the ugly side of cancer and not always write a message to inspire others ~ then why don’t I do the same thing? She is right. The words we often speak to others is also for our own self to hear. I do not have cancer ~ my child does. And yet, her journey is also my journey. Our reasons for undertaking this journey may be different and yet we are taking it for a reason. We may never know the full story of the reason why, but taking it we certainly are! I have walked with cancer in others, in my self and now with my daughter. When someone you love with every aspect of your life and heart has a critical illness it is easy for everyone to see how difficult it is for the person manifesting the illness. A chronic and life altering illness also is a journey all family members and close friends take together. It definitely becomes easy to see that though one may manifest, it is often for the benefit and the transformation of others.
Just as my daughter has spoken of times when she doubts and when she ‘needs’ others to hold the vision of her healing this cancer, I am now asking for those who know me and even those who don’t know me to hold the knowing of faith for me. I am asking to be held in prayer, in whatever way you pray and with whatever beliefs you hold to be sacred and true to hold me, my daughter, my son and my grandchildren in prayer so we may all have the strength to continue to walk through this journey. Sometimes it is so difficult to believe my daughter really has the strength to beat this cancer. The western medical knowledge and belief of this cancer is difficult to always move beyond ~ In my heart of hearts, in the whispering voice within…I know this journey results in her surviving and being cancer free. She has already done so much with it. I know she spring boards from this journey into the role she is here to do and yet….the voice of fear, doubt and disbelief still says…what if?
Those of you who know me know I have already lived through the death of a child. My youngest child, Joseph died at age thirty for those who do not know me. To say the fear of saying goodbye to another of my children is not present with me would make me a liar. No one would believe it even if I said I never thought that way. Heather and I have had conversations about this of course, especially in the beginning of this journey. Do I ever want to go there again? No! No I do not. Any more than my daughter would ever want to be the reason I would be there once again. This fear would overwhelm me and cripple me in ways procrastination couldn’t even do if not for one thing. And what is that one thing? The experiences I have with Ma-Ryah. The teachings I have taken to heart and apply to my life. The gift of the lesson of, So what? Do I want to go to that painful place again? No way. Would I? Yes. My role here in Vermont with my daughter is to bring my gifts as a healer to her. But above and beyond that, my role here in Vermont with my daughter is as her Mother. A Mother who has cherished the Soul of my daughter for all these years. I have seen her as a precious gift entrusted to my care and love by the Creator since her conception. That has never altered. That has never lessened. I am here as her Mother first and secondary to that is my role as a healer. As Mother, I will walk beside my daughter as she moves through this journey. If at the end of this journey we find ourselves celebrating the results we are choosing to know ~ the complete and absolute healing of my daughter…Wow! What a celebration that is to be! And yet at the same time, as her Mother, if my daughter ever finds the journey to be too much and no matter how much she chooses to be here, her body would not agree…then my place as her Mother is to be there with her and hold her with as much love as I could flow from my heart and soul to hers. We have had some very deep talks while this journey has begun. The cancer transforms and is less than what it was. The nausea is presently holding her prisioner to her bed. Please add your prayers to ours. Please add your vision to ours. Please help us to make real what is chosen to be our lives…Please see the nausea gone completely. See it removed from her for all time. See her celebrating life. Living life. Rejoicing in a life free of nausea and cancer. Please see her here in this world for many, many years to come ~ doing what she is here to do…doing all she chooses to do. And doing it cancer free and nausea free. And please hold me in your prayers so my faith remains stronger than any doubts or fears that come up for me.
As a teenager I read a lot about Edgar Cayce. One of his prayers stuck with me since I first read it all those years ago. It is a prayer I now say often no matter how much doubt or fear or procrastination holds onto me..”Help thou my disbelief”…There is more to it than that and yet those words are often repeated over and over like a mantra sometimes. And today is one of those times. Help thou my disbelief…